My Christmas Thoughts to those who are Struggling

 

I have to premise this Story…Christmas can bring it out but sometimes it is just the pain that we don’t know what to do with it. Any time of the year. For those who have followed my blog these past few months you have known there has been joy, and grief and times where they have co-existed.  But sometimes the grief has shadowed the joy.  As I have worked through this this past December it took me until today to finally find the words.  These words are written with love.  Love because I want you know that if you are feeling like you don’t know where to turn…maybe it’s because we don’t know how to find the right people to share with.  But when we do, the joy seeps back, maybe not all the way, but just enough to feel like we are not alone.  I want you to not feel alone.  I did…but then I received gifts when I didn’t expect it.  I hope you can find the time to take the smallest gift and hold it close to your heart, so your heart can grow just a little bigger.  After all, if the Grinch’s heart can grow…maybe ours can too.

Love janet

 December23...

It’s been such a month. So many mistakes.  So much twirling around. It’s like I was caught in a tornado.  Pieces of furniture racing around my head.  I was trying to duck but half of me was wondering if it would be better if something was to hit me in my head, knocking me out so it would all just stop.  Thoughts that came from the darkest place.  Thoughts of letting everyone down.  Thoughts of letting my children down.              And the reality is that as much as they would be disappointed or angry, they have lives that don't concern me.  But deep in the crevice of my messed up thoughts was the knowledge that I could not devastate them by doing anything that is never reversible.

But amidst the chaos I knew they were being the parents that I wanted to them to be.  To what I had never known.  And that is ok.  Lots of people have it so much worse then I ever had.  But somewhere I had being part of them teaching them that children need safety. I am lucky…my grandchildren think I am fun.  I dance, I act goofy, I am just jamma….. but I can’t be just that.  I can’t have the only part of my life be having children see the best in me….and taking them “hostage” for my happiness was wrong (long story but I brought them to my house and didn’t want to give them back so we could keep having fun – actually me trying to find the fun back in life and nothing like 2 four year olds and a 2 year old tomake them and me keep laughing). But children can't eat chocolate for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and they do miss their parents eventually.  I am also still finding sticky notes all over my place too.  But I really did laugh.  And it will definitely be a while before I get that trust back from their parents.

 

So for now that means boundaries against me while I work on climbing out of this hole and where I realize where I went going wrong. Only then can I have the trust back.  And that doesn’t happen overnight.

And it means finding out who the real me is. I know I don’t know who that is.  But I am trying.  Even in my pain, I got out of myself and I had to learn how  to love my mom as the person, just for who she is to be loved.  Without her I would never have been born.  And neither would be my kids. Life is so complicated and yet at the core, all it took all this for me to really learn to love. This is the best give I do as a person.  And I know I will make mistakes. Reminding myself that I am not perfect no matter how optimistic I think I should be.     

So I am left with two kids that want me to crawl out of the hole (well two of them and their spouse anyway). Not that the others don’t want it but for them …they aren’t ready to believe I can…and I really do get that.  Saying sorry as often as I have in my life does not make things better  or happen overnight. But as my daughter in law says, the hole is the easy way out.  Now I have to be prepared for hard work.  And it is a pretty scary mountain right now. They need me to be honest and tell them exactly where I am so they can make the best decision for their family.  And I get that.

My beautiful niece Nyla.  I had the pleasure of spending her 10th birthday and taking her to get her ears pierced.  What a joy she brought me.  sometime we forget the small pleasure and then suddenly they appear.

 

The real gift came from my daughter.  She arrived from Australia.  For the last 9 months I have tried to be there for her.  We skype and we talked of her anxiety and finally she admitted her suicidal thoughts.  That was the beginning I fell apart early this month. I was absolutely powerless.  I can’t take away Katie’s pain or know Layla’s future, or hold my daughter  Dani in my arms. I can’t make her better anymore than you can make me feel better. But we just held each other ….and just accepted each other for what and who we are.  She Is facing her pain, and I am facing mine and the world didn’t fall apart because we talked about it.  And suddenly I don't feel so alone and I hope she feels the same.

My beautiful Daughter Danielle holding her beautiful Niece Nyla for the first time.  Another Reminder of love.


And so my councillor was right.  I have had great days and then the world seem to crash away.  But today I am writing about it.  It’s been a month and it’s ok.  It’s the good the bad and the ugly. It’s my good and my bad and my ugly.  I know that it is just for today, I lifted the covers, and I smiled.  And I stopped think of how I let people down and I am just going to concentrate on keeping the covers off all day tomorrow or at the very least…do the best that I can.  Cause it really is all I can do.  But it’s what I can do. And so can you. Together, knowing we are not perfect we are not so alone.