When We Doubt Ourselves

“I am strong, beautiful, fearless and wise”. Oh, I how I wished I believed in that quote every day.  The reality is that sometimes I believe those words.  Some days they are truer than others.  Other days I look in the mirror and see my imperfections and wisdom is the last word that I would use to describe me.

Tonight I was out with a friend and she was amazing for my self-esteem. She told the server how wonderful I was.  I was helping her out.  However, the only reason I could help her is that I have been down that road before.  The reality is that when we can help each other it is because “we have been there and done that!", we are just passing it on.  But she saw those words and thought it described me.  I waffled.

Then I look back. I remember the road that it took to get to this point in my life.  Frankly, it had a few moments where I kicked a pillow sideways across my living room and I can guarantee there were tears.  But those moments have also made me who I am.

Life can be full of kicking pillow moments. My favourite moment is in my 3 inch heals where I kicked the stupid leaves on my street and muttered so loud the people could have heard me if they dared to open their doors.  I was mad.  Life was not going my way.  I did not know how to fix it. I thought that life really would never get any better.

And then it was a new day...   of course there were days that it was worse.  We are a reflection of the good and the bad and the ugly.  I think what my life would be if it were only good.
 
 My past is rolled up with smiles, heartache and laughter.  A woman who thinks no one is watching when she moves to the music as she walks down the street; or she doesn’t care. The woman who has decided the bus is a “cool” and “cheap” mode of transportation and that standing in line means often meeting very interesting people.

I suppose there are some of us that want a plan. For me the plan is knowing I don't know tomorrow but have the possibility of anything.

I will probably never own that “perfect house”. The bus will be my transportation.  I have an education in place of both of those.  I have experience because traveling to a new country is worth the money I might take to my deathbed.  I am beyond marrying the man of my dreams and celebrating our 50th anniversary or even our 25th.  I joke about a decade per man…lol.

None the less…at the end of the day, I am lying on my couch relaxing. I spent my weekend with my amazing friends, children and grandchildren.  None of us wears special crowns or holds special powers.  I even have a granddaughter who faces life with special challenges and who at the end of the day reminds me how lucky I am to be part of her life.

Life is not a storybook or fairy tale. It is just life.  But the ins and outs…the imperfections are sometimes what makes me wake up in the morning with a smile.  I smile because no matter how much planning I do, I do not know what is around the corner. And that makes me kinda happy!