A letter to my friends … Uncovering the Real Me

Over the last little while I have had some insightful conversations about my reasons for writing.  Of course I can only speak for myself, but I hope that others who I have spoken with, who like me need an outlet to voice their thoughts, can glean something from my experience.  After all that is what I do. I honestly believe that I have never even voiced or written an original thought.  Who I am today is in intricate mixture of my life and the conversations or relationships that have intertwined with mine, combined with some very big challenges that frankly at given times…SUCKS!

To say those challenges are what have made me who I am today is one of those platitudes that is right up there with “tomorrow’s another day” or “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”.  Really… no kidding to all of those things.  They are absolutely true and do you honestly think I needed YOU to share them with me.  Do you really think I couldn’t figure that out on my own?

I understand you my friend just don’t know what to say.  I understand my tears make you uncomfortable and I understand that you have your own problems. And although a little part of me is angry at you for not giving me more attention, even I am tired of me at times (or at least my situation).

 

But that is where writing or blogging comes in.  You see, where some don’t understand the need to use social media to talk about one’s life, problems or even successes, I understand that some days it is the only way I can get out what I feel without taking my anger or grief out on another person. You see there is a silent audience on the other side of my screen. They are silently listening while I rant and I rage.  They are gently wiping away their tears as they read my words.  They know they cannot solve my problems, but occasionally they thank me just for sharing. Most of all, they make me feel not so alone.

The internet has been blamed for isolating, diminishing social interaction, and interfering in communication.  But for me the internet has saved me.  It has saved me hours of tears.  With no one but my four walls when I get home from work, those hours before bed are hours of silence.  They are a time where my mind can enter the dark crevices of “what if?”  But when I open my computer I have an opportunity to put my thoughts to paper.  And when I press send it is often not long before I hear a “ding” and one of my follows sends me a note or a tweet. I have connection. For although the world of internet contains a place for every type of person and lifestyle; it has a special purpose for the person who lives on their own.  It provides a connection.

 

There are those that would argue that I should join a dating site, or a movie club, maybe a knitting circle or sail the seven seas or ……..The reality is my dear friends, at this moment in my life, I am barely holding my head above water.  I need someone to listen to me, even if it is only my perception that that someone is actually listening.  After all, you can’t prove to me they are not! And I am listening to my readers. Through their words. In sharing their story I can find myself smiling or laughing with them, or maybe even shedding a tear. For we appreciate each other in so many ways.  We often reflect to each other what I imagine it would be like in a personal relationship. For although we do not know each other in the physical sense, we are learning to be honest. We are vulnerable. We show our strengths, and we acknowledge our weaknesses.  We build each other up; we don’t tear each other down. I don’t care what someone looks like because it is their heart that draws me to them.  I don’t need to know their age and I don’t need to know there gender. My readers, you make me want to be my best.  You give me hope on days that I feel alone and frightened. However, the ultimate reason that I write and share with strangers, is that no matter what I say or share, I am without recrimination, shame or guilt. I am for a moment in time… the real me.