Sunday Musings.

November 15, 2015

Sunday Musings.

If I had had the energy or even a coherent thought pattern, I would have written on Friday night. I even had a little argument with myself on Friday evening. I should write. No I shouldn’t. Your too caught up with a jumble of emotions. Your angry…your bitter…face it, you don’t know what you are!

I was all of those but as much as I believe that words that are raw and vulnerable and truthful are the ones that touch others in their core, I also knew that in this place of exhaustion, I had nothing to give.

And so I slept and I slept and I slept. I put down the computer, I turned off the tv and I let myself fall into a world of dreams. Dreams that were swept away with my jumble of emotions. Dreams where I was the conqueror of my pain, dreams that gave me the control to wave my magic wand and all would be right with the world. I found solutions. I faced my anger. I rose to challenges. In fact for the next 36 hours I did nothing more but feed my soul and allow my body to do nothing.

And so here I am, showered, dressed and sipping coffee in my favourite haunt with my fingers resting on my keyboard and trying to make sense of the last few days. I cannot recapture those moments for they are gone, yet I remember them. The anger is diffused, the exhaustion is abaited. Am I seeing things through a clearer vision than what I felt those 36 hours ago, or is this just an illusion...of course not!

The reality is that in spite of that much needed sleep to combat the draining of all those emotions, those feelings and thoughts are still there. I am not sure where people expect me to put them. The life and experiences that I am living through right now are still present. They are not going away and learning to live and cope within them is my biggest challenge. There is no comfort from you when you tell me to “just give it over”, or “acceptance is the key”, or “just one day at a time”. What really bothers me in this process is that seems that is all most of you are willing and able to give. It is as if you think saying these words maintains a friendship. And I don’t understand why you don’t understand that I need more.

A woman wrote in a blog the other day that “the second years is the hardest as a widow”. When your spouse first dies, everyone reaches out, asks what they can do, makes a casserole, gives a hug. By the second year the phone has stopped ringing. No one asks how you are feeling, no one asks what they can do. As time passes you feel the burden of being anyone’s friend is too much. You feel you have taken up enough space in people’s lives. That it is time to move on and let others move on from you.

So what can I do or say today in my Sunday musings that will help. Help you and help me.

#1 I know most people do not understand and to fully understand you would have to experience this type of heartbreaking pain, and I don’t want you to.

#2 I am angry and I am allowed to be angry. I do not live in my anger, I only acknowledge it.

#3 I am afraid of what I won’t have tomorrow. Looking into the face of my granddaughter and not at a picture.

#4 I do not have the patience that I use to and I have had to learn boundaries. I am trying to accept that you may not like the new me, but the new me is helping me survive.

#5 I have learned to live in way that every day is a struggle and yet every day is a gift. This has been my greatest treasure. And I want you my friends to understand that these points I have written are all what makes me who I am today…the good, the bad, and the ugly.

But if I could try and explain just one of my thoughts, it is that never have I known more joy, more love, and more excruciating heartbreak at the same time. For as I wrote these words, my daughter posted a picture of my beautiful granddaughter, smiling with the faintest glimmer of white as her first tooth is emerging. And my heart bursts with love and thankfulness that only 5 months ago I never would have believed that we would be able to share this moment. God has given us a gift. It is a gift of days and moments that we never take for granted. He has given me a child who has taught me to live and appreciate beyond what I ever believed possible, moments to treasure…moments to experience the greatest that life has to offer… moments never… ever… to take for granted.