Changing on a Dime

You know I came home all prepared to write about my "other" life.  Well not really "other" but sometimes I feel like all I write it is all about is my "ups and down" of having a granddaughter who is ill and all that comes with that.  I try to see all sides..the love, the sadness, the hope...the reality. I write to center myself and hope that perhaps in doing so I am helping someone else. So I wanted to write today to centre myself in my "other" life.

I try to not lose myself in this process of Layla's journey.  I am so much more than a grandmother/mother of a granddaughter/daughter where life and death are part of our conversation.

Today I had kind of an amazing day at work.  I was invigorated and challenged.  Of course I did start the day off wearing one flat shoe and one heel to catch my morning bus (if you had read earlier posts you would see this is not unusual).  I finally managed to put on the matching heel before I raced into my local coffee shop to relax with my morning coffee.  And I did.  I actually worked from my coffee shop so I could have the extra cup of coffee to cut down my travel time to my first meeting (yes, I can definitely justify staying longer at the coffee shop, all in the name of multi-tasking).

I headed to my meeting/workgroup which is part of a process to develop better career/learning plans for people in my workforce.  Just up my alley.  I was with likeminded, passionate people.  I left the meeting with a million ideas percolating and ready to pass the message along or bring others on side.  I excelled at my job.  I laughed with colleagues. I got home on time.  I was ready to write up a storm.  And then...

The text comes from my daughter.  The latest doctors news.  Suddenly, MY world seems so insignificant.  My heart drops, my stomach rolls and I feel so out of control.  It's not like it is really bad news I guess.  But its a new possibility of something else being wrong.  And I don't know what to do.  I want to say the right words to my daughter.  I want to stop myself from feeling the fear.  I want to stop myself from crying because,  as always, I am afraid once I start I won't stop.

Breath Janet, breath. So what does it matter that what I thought was going to happen tonight did? When did life becomes so rigid that I must write what I thought I should write about.  The reality is,  life can "change on a dime".  And it does.  I have very little control with my future.  In fact the last time I thought I could control something was the very time I learned that it was only when I realized that I could not control my life and there was a "power greater than myself".  No this is not a religious thread.  This is just me being honest for me.  For me, the best of me started on the day when I realized that I couldn't control life.  What I needed to do was accept it and find ways to move forward.

I wish I could say that having learned that priceless piece of information my life has become a bed of roses.  It has and continues to be my journey.  Some days I accept changes with grace and some days I am kicking a pillow (in my 3 inch heels) across my living room floor with tears streaming down my face. Some days I am crying tears in my pillow or as you know from my writings, when I am holding my precious granddaughter in my lap.  But that is why Layla is so important to me.  She is what signifies all that is important.  It is she who has taught me that moments in our lives our precious, each and every one. 

Today, thinking of that text, I will also remember that those passionate invigorating moments that I had today are also moments. The gift to enjoy  my morning hours of work  are also precious.  They are part of me, just like Layla is part of me.  Yes, I can "change on a dime" but I can appreciate "both sides of the coin".

Comments

  1. Life can be complicated, as you so rightly point out. Best wishes to you...
    Carol Cassara

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