And We Ask the Question Why?
Somewhere over the past few days.....
You know there are several reasons that I write. I have mentioned them a few time over the past few posts. This current blog has been brewing in my mind for months. This year has been one of the most challenging years I have had in my life for one. Facing the death of a loved one is hard enough. But facing the death of a child and watching your own child experience your worst fear has left me experiencing many situations and emotions I really with all my heart I hope no one has to ever experience.
Except the reality, is that I am not special. As my daughter and I said only weeks into beginning to deal with this devastating news is that we do not have the right to ask WHY. Because the only answer is WHY NOT. And while I wouldn't wish it on anyone, I also know it has made me a stronger, more loving person...really the only two traits that are important to me.
The knowledge that a new blog was brewing was prompted by my daughter. I asked her if she had thought of journaling her experiences. She knows I have written in a journal for almost 40 years off and on. Of course most of it remains on well worn pages of tears gathering dust expect for the occasional burst of nostalgia I get. But I shared with her how much it has helped me during challenging and painful circumstances, she mentioned that she was beginning to. She had started a blog after another blog written by a beautiful woman who had just lost her daughter to the same disease as my beautiful granddaughter had touched her heart (although later it came to light that their diseases for all their similarities, were different). Little did the two of us realize that it would be only weeks later when it would come to light that our words were already intertwined and I believe destiny bound us to crossing paths.
Of course keeping the structure of a blog was impossible for months following receiving the news. Sometimes I would have a moment to write down my thoughts and those words will find their way into my blog as I move forward. But most of my words are still in my head. For months I would walk down the street and my thoughts swirled in my mind. Everything from the events that happened in the following months, to my relationships, my gratitude, my pain. I would find myself leaving home with a smile on my face and I walked to the village for my cup of coffee only 4 blocks away only to realize that tears were pouring down my cheeks with the duality of joy and heartbreak trying to live simultaneously in my life.
But it apparent to me that it was time for me to start blogging with some regularity again. For one, our lives have settled down into patterns of learning to appreciate life in the moments of today. The chaos of unbelief and emotional destruction have vanished. After basically finding the medical means for my granddaughter to barely escape death, our family has returned to somewhat normal routines. Except it will always only resemble our past. Today, every day is a gift. It is also doctors appointments, specialists, therapy, and registrations with palliative care organizations that still have the potential to knock the wind out of us.
And it is because of all of this I write now. I have learned the value in sharing. Of being willing to be vulnerable, to laugh at ones self, to realize what is really important. Today even in my daily life, I talk of death. I talk of the pain I am going through. I celebrate my joy with others. Because I never know when my words will touch others, either in person or through page. I know there are many others out there that so often feel alone in their life journey. I know because sometimes I do. I know because when I share and you share, "me too" or you share and I say, "I know what you mean", we connect. The one thing I am completely certain of, is that we are not meant to be alone. We need each other....of that I AM completely certain.
You know there are several reasons that I write. I have mentioned them a few time over the past few posts. This current blog has been brewing in my mind for months. This year has been one of the most challenging years I have had in my life for one. Facing the death of a loved one is hard enough. But facing the death of a child and watching your own child experience your worst fear has left me experiencing many situations and emotions I really with all my heart I hope no one has to ever experience.
Except the reality, is that I am not special. As my daughter and I said only weeks into beginning to deal with this devastating news is that we do not have the right to ask WHY. Because the only answer is WHY NOT. And while I wouldn't wish it on anyone, I also know it has made me a stronger, more loving person...really the only two traits that are important to me.
The knowledge that a new blog was brewing was prompted by my daughter. I asked her if she had thought of journaling her experiences. She knows I have written in a journal for almost 40 years off and on. Of course most of it remains on well worn pages of tears gathering dust expect for the occasional burst of nostalgia I get. But I shared with her how much it has helped me during challenging and painful circumstances, she mentioned that she was beginning to. She had started a blog after another blog written by a beautiful woman who had just lost her daughter to the same disease as my beautiful granddaughter had touched her heart (although later it came to light that their diseases for all their similarities, were different). Little did the two of us realize that it would be only weeks later when it would come to light that our words were already intertwined and I believe destiny bound us to crossing paths.
Of course keeping the structure of a blog was impossible for months following receiving the news. Sometimes I would have a moment to write down my thoughts and those words will find their way into my blog as I move forward. But most of my words are still in my head. For months I would walk down the street and my thoughts swirled in my mind. Everything from the events that happened in the following months, to my relationships, my gratitude, my pain. I would find myself leaving home with a smile on my face and I walked to the village for my cup of coffee only 4 blocks away only to realize that tears were pouring down my cheeks with the duality of joy and heartbreak trying to live simultaneously in my life.
But it apparent to me that it was time for me to start blogging with some regularity again. For one, our lives have settled down into patterns of learning to appreciate life in the moments of today. The chaos of unbelief and emotional destruction have vanished. After basically finding the medical means for my granddaughter to barely escape death, our family has returned to somewhat normal routines. Except it will always only resemble our past. Today, every day is a gift. It is also doctors appointments, specialists, therapy, and registrations with palliative care organizations that still have the potential to knock the wind out of us.
And it is because of all of this I write now. I have learned the value in sharing. Of being willing to be vulnerable, to laugh at ones self, to realize what is really important. Today even in my daily life, I talk of death. I talk of the pain I am going through. I celebrate my joy with others. Because I never know when my words will touch others, either in person or through page. I know there are many others out there that so often feel alone in their life journey. I know because sometimes I do. I know because when I share and you share, "me too" or you share and I say, "I know what you mean", we connect. The one thing I am completely certain of, is that we are not meant to be alone. We need each other....of that I AM completely certain.
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