Tears of honesty

Today is a bit of a personal catch up day.  I haven't had many of those in the last little bit.  I have been running around doing the usual.  Work, family, travel, volunteer committee, trying to catch up with friends. A good friend asked me the other day if I wasn't "too busy".  I waited a moment before I carefully answered her question.  In honesty, I said, "maybe".

There was a time in my life that I used activities to fill the silence in my life.  Silence only leads to one thing. Thinking.  It was a time I didn't want to dig deep. To feel the pain.  It was a time. I successfully,  until I didn't work any more, cover the pain. And the "unsuccessful" part, really didn't work.  Like most of us, who refuse to acknowledge our feelings, we usually head down some pretty dark paths.  Ignoring and running usually doesn't last forever.  The reality is that we are fooling ourselves anyway.  A life where we hide our emotions, keep our love under wraps, and give  ourselves a shell of an existence.

Of course I had to learn the hard way  It would have been a tad easier if I hadn't had to go to the depths of despair that I did, but there is something about reaching that bottom when the last glimmer of hope seems to be fading away...that when and if you make it back,you embrace life, the second chance, being willing to live a life that is not worth wasting. 

Today my life is fuller than it has ever been but sometimes those traits of the past have to be questioned.  Am I using them for good, or am I using them to hide. So today I was given a gift of time.  Time for me, to be thoughtful, to write, to consider, to ponder, to reflect, and even a time to cry.

With the latest diagnosis of my granddaughter being, "a muscular degenerative condition, with a life- limiting outcome", it leaves life in a bit of a turmoil.  Wanting to experience and cherish moments with our beautiful Layla, we actually try not to picture the future.  This means in some ways we don't hold onto hope.  Because if we were honest.  The future is of course what scares us. And in moments like today, I will admit that it terrifies me.

Today I have a beautiful, angelic, night beauty as her mother calls her.  When I whisper gurgles in her ear she smiles and she laughs,  she makes my heart grow 3 times bigger. I live in a different city.  One that is separated by water but one that usually every few weeks or so, allows me to travel on my beautiful cruise ship (the ferry).  I get to spend time with her and my other 5 healthy regular life expectant grandchildren.  Between the 3 sets of parents, me and the 6 grandchildren, we make a very noisy 13.  My other daughter and husband join us on Skype from their Aussi land, not the same, but for which we are thankful.

But today I did something I was putting off this week.  My daughter, Layla's mother, is never far from my mind.  I am fortunate to have a job that I can call her during the day when she is often home alone with Layla.  I feel so fortunate to have that relationship.  It is a relationship that I almost lost during those dark days of mine, but one that she has allowed me to rebuild the trust so that I can show her how much I love her and I will always be here for her. But my daughter also writes a blog.  Something I have encouraged her to do during a time when sometimes words can be the only comfort for acknowledging the pain in our souls. I follow her blog but I had been putting off reading it this week. Perhaps because I sensed struggles emanating from her during our conversations, and I know that other than being there for her, I can't make this situation go away. 

It is a mother's worst nightmare.  Not being able to take the pain of a child away.  It is a pain  I carry in my heart every day.  So many things I have been able to fix in my life.  But for this there is no fix. But I carry on and in using the tools that I have gained in my own struggles, I have taken today to just write.  To have time for me and for my words and for that to give me the strength I needed to finally turn to hers.

I am so proud of my daughter.  She takes my breath away.  She is the strongest person that I know. Her willingness to be honest and vulnerable to the world through her words at her age, is nothing I can ever claim as my own.  It is a stupid, stupid, stupid phrase "God never gives us more than we can handle" and trust me when I tell you, "don't ever say that to someone who is going through life's struggles".  But even today in the midst of her pain, she is such an example of an amazing woman.  She is love, she is giving, she is pure and she is hurting.  And I have that absolute gratitude that I can be there to share that journey with her, to help her, to be whatever she needs me to be. 

So although I honestly answered my friend that "maybe" the busyness was keeping me from looking into my future, the reality is that maybe this week, my busyness was ok.  I had a week of exhilaration and challenge. Of laughter. Of hard work. Great conversation.  And if for a few short days it was maybe a little too close to the surface, it served its purpose.  For today, I then had the strength to read, to cry, to feel the pain. Today is a good day.

To read about my daughter Kaiti and her beautiful daughter Layla http://nightbeautylayla.blogspot.ca/

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