Anger and Angst
When I finally went to bed last night I was angry. Not the kicking and screaming kind but the underneath the surface kind. I know we are all entitled to our feelings and I try my best to put a name to what I am feeling and honour it whenever possible...but...
When I woke up this morning I realized that most of my anger had dissipated but Angst was left in its place. I looked it up (ya, ya, ya "what does google say?) and the definition pretty much summed me up.
Well I could definitely say that I am angry, it is the anger often that keeps me from looking at the fear and anxiety or worry that is simmering below the surface.
One of the reasons that I turned to blogging is that I felt "let down" by my friends. It was my way with coping with anger. If they didn't want to listen to me or make the time to even hang out then I needed to have some place that I felt my voice was heard. Now don't get me wrong. I know that I have wonderful friends and that they are wonderful people and they have all their own stuff going on but sometimes I can't help but feel that I am just too much hard work for them. middle aged, female, single, and a dying granddaughter. WTF?
Or is that what friendship is these days? We ask, "how you are doing?", we even listen, but when do we follow through? We think hanging out at a movie is friendship. Sure it's a companionable way to spend some time but why is it when I meet you at the door, we walk in, we watch in silence, and then we leave each other at the door with an empty promise to do this again, that I walk away feeling so empty?
So if going to bed feeling angry because the only beeps on my phone were from fellow bloggers like me who are behind a computer screen then when the morning broke I was surprised to find the angst. The reality is that our family is still trying to find our place in this world "life-limiting expectancy" (really, you try to define that one!). I am also single and as much as I absolutely adore my children and their spouses and my grandchildren, there are those nights when I wish I had someone to turn to and just give me a hug. Instead I cry silent tears into a pillow, and it hurts. Wondering if this is the way I will always be. Alone.
Fear of the future. Fear of the unknown. Angst. It is true I have no idea what the future holds. It is why I have tried so much to hold on to those moments. Layla my now 14 month old granddaughter has taught me that. Every night I stroked her hair in that hospital room, 28 days and 28 nights. Waking each morning to her beautiful face. 28 days and now another 119 days we thought we never would have. That is 211 680 minutes and counting that Layla has given us.
I don't know how my fairy tale is ending in this story, I am still turning pages, but I urge you, if you are feeling "Anger and Angst", find yourself something that will teach you, that we can always have "moments" if we choose.
Me and Layla hanging out in the morning during our month stay in the hospital. My gift was getting to wake her up and spend those first few moments before the onslaught of specialists.
When I woke up this morning I realized that most of my anger had dissipated but Angst was left in its place. I looked it up (ya, ya, ya "what does google say?) and the definition pretty much summed me up.
One of the reasons that I turned to blogging is that I felt "let down" by my friends. It was my way with coping with anger. If they didn't want to listen to me or make the time to even hang out then I needed to have some place that I felt my voice was heard. Now don't get me wrong. I know that I have wonderful friends and that they are wonderful people and they have all their own stuff going on but sometimes I can't help but feel that I am just too much hard work for them. middle aged, female, single, and a dying granddaughter. WTF?
Or is that what friendship is these days? We ask, "how you are doing?", we even listen, but when do we follow through? We think hanging out at a movie is friendship. Sure it's a companionable way to spend some time but why is it when I meet you at the door, we walk in, we watch in silence, and then we leave each other at the door with an empty promise to do this again, that I walk away feeling so empty?
So if going to bed feeling angry because the only beeps on my phone were from fellow bloggers like me who are behind a computer screen then when the morning broke I was surprised to find the angst. The reality is that our family is still trying to find our place in this world "life-limiting expectancy" (really, you try to define that one!). I am also single and as much as I absolutely adore my children and their spouses and my grandchildren, there are those nights when I wish I had someone to turn to and just give me a hug. Instead I cry silent tears into a pillow, and it hurts. Wondering if this is the way I will always be. Alone.
Fear of the future. Fear of the unknown. Angst. It is true I have no idea what the future holds. It is why I have tried so much to hold on to those moments. Layla my now 14 month old granddaughter has taught me that. Every night I stroked her hair in that hospital room, 28 days and 28 nights. Waking each morning to her beautiful face. 28 days and now another 119 days we thought we never would have. That is 211 680 minutes and counting that Layla has given us.
I don't know how my fairy tale is ending in this story, I am still turning pages, but I urge you, if you are feeling "Anger and Angst", find yourself something that will teach you, that we can always have "moments" if we choose.
Me and Layla hanging out in the morning during our month stay in the hospital. My gift was getting to wake her up and spend those first few moments before the onslaught of specialists.
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